Yep, you read that right. Yep, I went there, I said it.
Choosing GRACE when you want to punch them in the face.
I am a hothead, but by the Grace of Jesus, He has helped me tame my wild ways….most days.
I am a hundred times better than the old me. The teenage and early married years me.
My hothead ways, the early years
Once upon a time this Bible reading, youth group loving Jesus girl lost her temper as a teen and took a pair of heels to the hood of her boyfriend’s newly painted car. Somehow, he saw through that crazy childish teenager and decided she would make a great wife.
Fast forward just a few years, this same girl did not have excellent communication skills. Neither did her newlywed husband. So when that husband shut down and that girl wanted to talk but could not get a reaction, She took his favorite basketball jersey and new shorts and cut them in half. Apparently, he saw past the newlywed crazy and decided she would make a great mother. A momma x4.
And then she grew up
Now here we are in present day. We have been together 17 years, almost 13 married and have four sweet kiddos who I just happen to homeschool. We are living proof that getting married at age 20 can survive. It can also survive an immature hothead. There is only one catch, you have to GROW together and each walk in your faith with Jesus.
I wouldn’t be telling you this story today, if it wasn’t for Jesus and a patient husband who grew from a boy driving his z24 in the late 1990’s with hip-hop blaring smelling of cigarettes and preferred stock ( mmm whenever I get a whiff of that on someone I get all nostalgic!) To a man serving and leading his family by example and leaning on God for his guidance.
I always though I could strive for the fruit of the spirit, as I matured as a Christian I realized, the fruit is just the reward for being faithful and walking with Him. No matter how hard I strive the fruit will not appear unless I am staying in the word, praying and walking with Jesus daily. Some weeks I feel like my fruit is rotten, some weeks it’s ripe for the picking.
I am a sinner.
I am a sinner who is in need of Grace.
Just because I grew past my wicked hothead ways does not mean it can’t rear its ugly head. Because it can, and it did, and that was the inspiration for this post. The hothead made its appearance this weekend on my front porch the night before church right when I was supposed to be bathing babes.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
And then I just lost my ever loving mind.
The devil knows our weaknesses so well, he waits and pounces when you least expect it. For me, this was in the form of a tired momma who just could not deal with the neighborhood squabbles and the entering and exiting of tattling children at the end of the day.
I take pride in my patience and grace for commotion, petty spats and general crazy (Motherhood and Jesus mellowed me and molded me in ways I could have never imagined!) Gone are the days that I cut up clothing and smack hoods with heals( Relieved, right!?) I almost got full of myself.
” Ohh I am doing well, nothing can shake me. Jesus is keeping me calm. I have been through so many stressful events in the past month and kept my cool. I am steady, I am grounded. You can’t shake me!”
I was wrong. I was so wrong.
The devil waited for my week moment and pounced. He used my bend towards being a hothead mixed with a sharp tongue to do some damage.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
After some of my kids had a mini-spat with the neighbor, the father tried to get involved and talk to us. My husband ( Mr. steady Mr. smooth it over had it ALL under control!) UNTIL……….
Insert raving lunatic mama bear.
I came busting out of my beautiful Victorian screen door. Messy bun pulled high yelling like a crazy person at the unsuspecting neighbor.
Not my proudest moment.
Words were exchanged, when I retreated to my home I just felt horrible!
“This is not me! for good is not who I am!”
Who am I representing?
I am a representative of Jesus, and I just totally let the crazy take over.
I spent all night feeling such a heavy heart. We got up early for church the next day and the events of the previous evening weighed down on me like a ton of bricks. I was preoccupied during all the baptisms and just in generally grumpy and out of sorts.
The devil accomplished exactly what he wanted. He took a peace filled weekend, flipped it upside down and then left me in a mound of guilt and conviction.
You have a choice.
I had two choices. I could either let this incident eat me up. Or I could resolve it.
We are all sinners, we all have sin nature. It’s what you do with the sin when it happens that matters.
I wanted to teach my children that moms mess up! Momma is a sinner. I am going to try to do my best, but I will mess up every day. What we do with our mess ups is what counts!
Do Hard Things
So, after church, I chose to do HARD THINGS.
Admitting you’re wrong is hard, apologizing is a HARD THING. It’s humbling, embarrassing and just all around uncomfortable!
But I know what the Lord wanted me to do. I know that growing these children into grace-filled responsible adults is going to take guts and humility. It’s going to take a lifetime of apologies, do-overs and ” Please forgive me, mama is not perfect.”
It’s going to take GRACE when sometimes ya just want to punch a person in the face, to put it bluntly!
They need to see how God picks up the pieces after the devil tries to devour. Whatever that situation may be.
I walked over, with the child that had the confrontation. They apologized for their part in the neighborhood spat. I apologized to the neighbor for my harsh words and my behavior. He forgave me and also had apologetic words for his part. And then just like that, God redeemed what the devil meant to destroy.
You have a choice!
How many times do we have that crossroad? When you veer off into the territory, you know God did not intend for you to be traveling. The devil sets us up for failure and pounces on our week spots.
Just know you have a CHOICE!
God will never leave you, you can turn ANY situation around for the good and give the Glory to him.
You have to make a conscious choice to do the work, do the hard things. Your family is worth it; your children are worth it, your husband is worth it.
Whatever the devil plans to destroy with your vice, choose the HARD THING. If you fall, redeem yourself. Brush yourself off and choose GRACE. Do the uncomfortable hard work to claw yourself back out of that pit.
I am so thankful for Jesus molding this hothead into the woman I am today. I don’t have to fall prey to feelings and knee-jerk fly off the handle reactions. I have the Holy Spirit who holds his hand over my mouth and reminds me gently who I am.
I am a representative of Jesus. I can do hard and holy things to glorify him.
What are some areas the devil trips you up? How do you redeem yourself? Do you have any experience being a Christian hothead? Let me know in the comments below.